Oneness

 The Interconnective Web that binds us all.

An effect named by Edward Lorenz, The Butterfly Effect is one of the central principles of Chaos Theory.

It reminds us that a small change at one place can result in large differences to a later state.

These days with our instant connectivity via the Internet/Trade system...our World is not only NOT an Island...it has morphed into bustling Global Village.

Certainly, we can choose to be Island-like...pretending that climate change...the falling Euro...the Middle East instability...et al...does not affect us.  But for all our closing of eyes and fingers stuck in our ears (la...la...lah) at the end of the day when the unseasonable heat or cold kills our crops/the raging flood or tornadoes destroy our homes/the price of everything we import rises...or gasoline reaches $5.00 a gallon there will come a time that we realize we are just another small part of the larger World, already in progress.

Or we can reach out. 

Educate ourselves.

Think Globally but Act Locally. Which is not just bumper-sticker material...but also a very good idea.

Make a small difference. Sometimes a small difference can transform a life.
Sometimes a small difference can transform many lives. 

Be a Butterfly...Flap Your Wings...Make a Difference!

Expectations

If Mindfulness is the key to Happiness...then Expectations are the key to Unhappiness. 

In Buddhism expectations may also be referred to as desires or attachments. 

It is difficult to retrain our mind to not expect.  Many of us live long lives of expectations. Great expectations. We expect to expect.
 It is a vicious circle.


The unhappiness (suffering) that is caused by unmet expectations is great.
Often even if our expectations are met...the reality is often anti-climatic and we feel a loss. 

Today we will explore letting go of expectations.

First holding up our mental stop sign we we feel one approaching.

Taking a few cleansing breaths and acknowledging that the emotion we are about to experience is "expectation".


Expectation and anticipation are different creatures. You can anticipate a wonderful adventure or a beautiful day with the family. When you expect it...it takes on a slight edge...an entitlement.

Realize to "expect" anything, requires a degree of control that we simply do not possess.

Learn to let go. Let life happen. Often if we let go and let life happen we open up to possibilities we never knew. 

Embrace the rain and the sunshine...both are necessary for growth. 

Take a moment to explore how others feel when we expect of them. Whether it be our friends/family/children or spouse.  How would we feel if instead of dinner on the table being appreciated and anticipated...it was expected.

Does take the joy right out of throwing on the old apron doesn't it?


When we expect from others...they feel much the same.

As a nurse I saw this with the elderly more times than you could imagine.  Grown children who juggled schedules to visit...only to be met with half hour grumbles about

"Why can't you be more like Louise's children...they stop by twice a week and last week they bought flowers and candy?"

-then the conversation turns to a litany of complains/aches/pains and grumbles or old family issues-

And by the time the Adult Child leaves they are exhausted. Hell...by the time they leave I am exhausted, too.

And then Mom or Dad will look at me...tears glistening in their eyes and say

"I don't know WHY they don't visit more often." 

Really?


 And the saddest part of all is that they "really-don't-get-it".  Many of them never get it.  

And playing Devil's Advocate for a moment...the grown kids have their unrealistic expectations, too.  Instead of seeing the frail often physically and emotionally drained person in front of them- they keep seeing or searching for the Mom or Dad that once was...and it is frustrating for everybody. 



Today's lesson:



Stop expecting and start living in the now...enjoy life as it unfolds...love people for who they are...not how we wish them to be...

Perfection

                                 
                                       
     While spending a week at the Happiest Place on Earth with my son years ago (...hey it must be true...Mickey Mouse told me so...) I woke one morning extremely early to walk the grounds of The Coronado Hotel. It was perfectly placed in the middle of Mouse World with a large (man-made) lake in the center of its own manicured splendor. Nothing was left to chance, from the rolling carpet of St. Augustine grasses...to the sugar white sand that surrounded the lake lagoon style. Hammocks were suspended artfully in the shade of carefully planted (certainly not indigenous) Royal Palms.  A Mayan Temple sprouted/loomed amidst a tangle of both artificial (resin) and real jungle vines. Flowers bloomed profusely, throughout.

Back to the walk. 

In the breaking dawn the grounds-keeping crew was already hard at work. Plants that were straggly or encroaching were being quickly brought in line. Flowers with the slightest wilt or droop were being dead-headed. Cleaners and polishers and even the occasional paint-touch up.  I half expected to see The Queen of Hearts demanding the roses be painted red (...or off with your heads!!!)
By the time the sumptuous breakfast was served in the faux Plaza-Marketplace complete with mariachi music and resin braids of chilies hanging from the vendor stalls...everything was perfect.

Just another day at Disney.

The perfection, of course, was an illusion.  Created by countless numbers of committees...man hours...gardeners...paint...and dollars...but still an illusion.

Real life is messy. It is straggly plants and wilted flowers along with a beautiful tea rose from time to time. Few of us have cleaners and polishers. Most of us ARE the cleaners and polishers.  It is Kroger's...Walmart and Aldi's...and if we want the sumptuous breakfast we stand over a stove and cook it. Well, at least our chili braids are real.

Just for the moment...forget the Glossies...the air-brushed perfection...the re-touched photos...the glittering trompe l'oeil that is unattainable and appreciate the real that surrounds you on a daily basis. Real is the baby getting sick on your outfit minutes before you leave for work...and you love him, anyway.

Is getting away and enjoying moments of faux perfection enjoyable? Certainly. But  steady diet of it would be as unpalatable as those plastic chilies.

Forget striving for perfection. Strive to be perfectly REAL.






 

Mother

Mother. 

Face it. Is any word more emotionally ladened. Our Mother is our friend...our confidant...our role model...our first relationship...dispenser of advice, hugs and band-aids...the person who will have your back when the world has walked away- (Even Timothy McVeigh's mom brought out the oh-so-cute photos on the black and white pony of the early 60's just before he was executed for the horrific Oklahoma Bombing- if only to show us that he wasn't just a monster...he was also once her darling...loved... little boy.)

Yes...our Mother's are our World-

Except when they aren't.

By now we must realize that everyone's childhood is not a Hallmark Moment.

It is with this in mind that I would like to share a snippet of my memoir entitled:  Like Smoke Through A Keyhole.

  -->

"Nothing was ever consistent. Or safe.

The same comment or action that garnered a smile or a piece of homemade cake yesterday, could very well be the one that got me thrown across the room and kicked in the ribs the next. By the time I was 10, she had fractured both of my forearms and cracked several ribs. She cut Grandpa’s worn leather work belt into straps which she used interchangeably on both the dogs and myself on her bad days. Lies were told to the school so I didn't have to strip for gym and reveal the welts from the night before. By fourteen she had held a handgun on me threatening to end both our lives. I stayed quiet, terrified, and gone whenever possible."

 So...this Cafe Moment is for everyone who has ever browsed the Mother's Day Cards and under their breath muttered 

                                            "...yeah...right...as if"

But...as my Grandfather always said:

"If ya keep pickin' at it...ain't never going to HEAL."

And that is sound advice whether it is a scab on your knee from a bike fall...a lost love...or the Mother you wished existed but never quite did.

So...it has taken a lot of Zen...but Buddhism has taught me how to re-frame...to look at my childhood through new eyes...to drop the expectations that could never have been met, anyway. To sift through and remember the moments when she tried to be a good mother (and I believe with all my heart she did try)...and let the rest winnow away like chaff.

She had a rough life. Her own mother (by numerous outside accounts) was horribly abusive...she continued the cycle by marrying her first husband...horribly abusive and an alcoholic...lost several babies...and had raised her surviving son (...my biological father...as she was actually my Grandmother) alone for years)...the same son who had a baby at 17...today she would have been labeled bipolar....and still she took me on just when she turned forty and life was turning around.  Suddenly there she was at 40 with a two year old...starting all over.
I couldn't have done it.
I wouldn't have done it.

Perspective.

And so I broke the chain of abuse.

 Raised three pretty amazing boys. Tried to be the Mother (and now the Grandmother) that I always wished I had. And on Mother's Day, I send her love and light. When she died ( as I believe in reincarnation) I like to think she was reborn into a happier...better...loving life and that it is easier for her. That she has a Mother that ties ribbons in her hair and bakes cookies instead of one that scarred her for life by chucking a piece of stove-wood at her when she was just five. The mother who beat and berated her. The mother who scarred her (emotionally) so much much worse.

So today...if you have (or had) a Hallmark Mom. Be so grateful.

And if not...send them love and light...and remember...it is NEVER too late for a Happy Childhood...or to give One to Others...

Happy Mother's Day! 

 

LOOK

It was right there in our Dick and Jane book.

"Look"

Today, we need to stop and "LOOK" again.

Look for what makes us the happiest.

Look for what we can do to make others happy.

Look for the good in everyone...and in life.

Look for the most positive solution.

Look for people less fortunate than yourself...then look for ways to help.

Look for the bright side...there always is one.

Look for the lesson...or the answer.

But above all...LOOK!

The Ultimate To-Do List

I absolutely loved this!

What is on YOUR to-do list?

Relax

My Favorite Quote from Kurt Vonnegut's Man Without a Country goes something like this:

"We are here on this Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different."

Published in 2005...only two years before his own death...Kurt had the right idea.

Moodling...putzing...puttering...noodling...or farting around...it is all the same. The fine art of relaxing and doing nothing.


Or at least, not things we should, ought to, or are required to do!

There is plenty of time to be busy. To be productive. To do. So for today...or maybe soon...let's give ourselves permission to BE instead of DO.

Moodle with your paints.

Putz on the Golf Course.

Putter with some Photography.

 Noodle on your Guitar.

Fart around in the Flowers.

Be instead of do. 

Remember...we are human be-ings...not human do-ings.

                                                                                                Namaste!

Finding Fault

In life...we often concentrate on what is wrong. What we lack or perceive to lack. The carelessness of others. Often we teach our children much like school marms of old. By brightly circling their mistakes in red...often we do the same to our friends and loved ones.

What is it about us...that makes us so quick to find fault? To point out others short-comings while conveniently ignoring our own. To feel the need to "catch" the wrong or error's of another.  Often the very same faults we have displayed.

To "Police the Universe".

Perhaps control?  Or (more likely) our feelings of a lack of control?

This may be a good time to re-read the essay on Control.

Life is too short to continually focus on the wrongs of the world.Think how wonderful life would be...and perhaps other's responses to you...if you used the bright red crayon (and maybe yellow and blue, too) to circle the rights in life. The beauty all around us. Not only in the extraordinary...but in the common place.

Seek out the beauty.

Seek out the good.

Be the love and light.

Share Happiness with others.

Practice Compassion.

Laugh.

Love.

Live.

And for those that persist in circling your errors in red...send them love and light, everyday...

                     For they need it the very most.